(M) ★★
Director: Luke Greenfield.
Cast: Rob Schneider, Colleen Haskell, John C. McGinley, Guy Torry, Edward Asner, Michael Caton, Louis Lombardi.
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| That's gunna leave a stain. |
Back in July 2001, I scored a full-time job at a newspaper. In between covering general news, weekend footy and the local music scene, I hinted to my editor that I wouldn't mind having a crack at movie reviews - a job the editor himself did.
Lo and behold, on September 6, 2001, my editor graciously allowed me to take his spot at the cinema for the week. I soon found out why - the new Rob Schneider movie was screening, and my editor obviously decided he couldn't be bothered with that shit.
Two days later - September 8 - my very first film review was published. I have no recollection of the movie whatsoever, which probably says more about my memory than the movie itself. Or both. Also, something kinda world-changing happened three days after my review was published, which takes up way more space in my brain than The Animal.
Anyway, here's the review. Let's see how it stacks up, 20 years on.
***
It's hard for a film to run on the strength of just one joke. The Animal, the latest vehicle for ex-Saturday Night Live regular Rob Schneider, tries to go the distance on it's man-acting-like-an-animal gag, but unfortunately the laughs wear thin early on into the film.
Clunky start but not too bad. "...the laughs wear thin quickly" would be a far more concise final clause of that paragraph.
Schneider plays Marvin Mange, a hopeless loser aiming to emulate his father by becoming a policeman, but constantly falling short through his own incompetence and inadequacies.
No quips about the dumb character name? Shame on me.
Marvin's life gets turned on its head when he is critically injured in a spectacular and mildly amusing car accident and is brought back to life thanks to the efforts of deranged scientist Dr Wilder (played by The Castle star Michael Caton).
The nutty doctor uses animal organs to rebuild Marvin, giving the wannabe cop the powers and skills necessary to gain him fame as a super-policeman, including a sense of smell that would put a sniffer dog to shame.
Of course, his animal instincts get a little out of control, and Marvin finds himself on the run, suspected of attacking a hunter and mauling two cows.
Throw in the compulsory love interest, an animal lover named Rianna (Survivor castaway Colleen Haskell in her big-screen debut) and you've got the makings of a light-hearted comedy, albeit a one-joke light-hearted comedy.
This is way too much plot summary and not enough review. I think I was given a whole page to fill, and boy, was I gonna fill it.
The Animal doesn't quite make the grade. While it has its moments, it walks a thin line between full-on gross out humour and Dumb & Dumber-style stupidity, only occasionally getting the laughs it's obviously aiming for.
I'm not sure "walks a thin line" is the right phrase. Also it's a pretty tired cliché. Do better, me.
Schneider, who co-wrote the script, is likeable as Marvin, but ultimately he's let down by his own screenplay. A few inspired sight gags and some memorable scenes, including one involving an angry mob, are actually funny. However, The Animal falls flat a lot of the time, occasionally bordering on tasteless, particularly one part of the film where Marvin finds himself sexually attracted to a goat.
This could all be said with far fewer words. But at last I'm starting to make my point. And it's not every day you get to write in the local paper about someone being sexually attracted to a goat. A horse on the other hand....
The script is particularly ordinary towards the end of the film, when everything gets wrapped up way too quickly, and rather stupidly, thanks to an unfunny running gag.
However the cast performances are fine and there are some interesting characters, particularly the hero's two best friends and the slightly insane Dr Wilder. Caton was asked to play the deranged scientist by Schneider and executive producer Adam Sandler after they saw his performance in The Castle.
What's with the out-of-nowhere factoid? This could have been dropped in there a lot better.
Haskell is also good as leading lady Rianna, well suited to the light-hearted nature of the film, though it will be interesting to see where her Survivor fame takes her.
Update: Haskell quit showbiz not long after this film.
The Animal's slightly undergraduate humour is sure to find an audience and no doubt there are people out there who would find it amusing to watch Rob Schneider hump a mailbox in a police uniform, but one joke doesn't make a comedy.
I suspect the word "slightly" is unnecessary in this par, though that sounds like my writing.
***
It's a pretty bland review that could be far tighter, but it's not as terrible as I'd expected. I'm surprised I didn't sink the boots into it, and having just watched the trailer, I suspect the film was utter shite but I was too afraid to slate it. Probably thought I had to keep my powder dry on my first outing. Hopefully I've improved. Thanks for joining me on this trip down memory lane.
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