Cats

(G) ★

Director: Tom Hooper.

Cast: Francesca Hayward, Robbie Fairchild, Laurie Davidson, Judi Dench, Idris Elba, Jennifer Hudson, James Corden, Rebel Wilson, Ian McKellen, Jason Derulo, Taylor Swift, Mette Towley, Steven McRae, Ray Winstone.

Furrycon 2020 was as weird as you'd expect.

To paraphrase Jurassic Park's Ian Malcolm, the filmmakers behind Cats were so preoccupied with whether or not they could make a heavily CG adaptation of the popular Broadway musical, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

Maybe it works as a stage production - I haven't seen it but its lengthy runs on Broadway and the West End suggest someone loves it. But as a film it is plotless, repetitive, and soul-sappingly boring. And then there's the occasionally bad effects, annoying camerawork, bizarre tone, and overall horrid look of the whole thing. This is the last film I saw for review in 2019, and it was easily the worst.

The plot, such as it is, involves a group of anthropomorphic cats gathering at a singing contest, with the cat that can sing the best song about themselves getting to be reincarnated. 

In reality, the "plot" of the film goes something like this:

"Who's that cat?"

*a five-minute song about that cat*

"Who's that cat?"

*another lengthy song about that cat*

*some dancing*

*Idris Elba turns up, leaves*

"Who's that cat?"
*another interminably long song about that cat*
"Who's that cat?"
*another song about a bloody cat*
*some more dancing*
*Jennifer Hudson sings a bit of Memories*
*Hey look, it's Idris Elba again... and he's gone*
*Enter Judi Dench dressed as the Cowardly Lion

"Who's that cat?"

*another five-minute long song about that cat*

*Hudson sings a bit more of Memories*

*more dancing*

*competition begins involving cats singing songs about themselves*

*Oh look, here's Taylor Swift*

*Idris is back*

*another bloody song about another bloody cat*

*Hudson sings more of Memories*

*the end?*

*oh no, now Judi Dench is singing down the camera about how cats are different to dogs ffs*

... and so it goes. There's nothing in the way of character development, excepting perhaps meek magician Mr Mistoffelees (Davidson), who has to overcome his meekness and do "real" magic to overcome the dastardly deeds of Elba's evil Macavity. Our nominal heroine Victoria (Hayward) is little more than an audience surrogate and there are no key themes to take away, and those that do exist are murky or ill-defined. 

Given the G-rating, one would have thought there might have been some kind of message, but that's lacking. The tone is also weird and strangely sexual in places (particularly when Swift's Bombalurina turns up) for a family film.

There is so much to dislike about Cats - the jittery handicam work early on, the horrible CG in places, the plotlessness - that it overpowers the good bits, kind of like how off food in the fridge can make the non-off stuff taste bad. Corden and Wilson get a couple of funny lines, the dancing and singing is generally solid, Swift's one scene is a show-stopper, and when Hudson finally lets rip in Memories (the musical's only genuinely good song) it's genuinely impressive.

But these highlights can't overcome the annoyingness of everything around it. It feels like nothing happens in the film, and what little plot there is happens in the space of five minutes. 

I'm glad to have seen Cats only because it made choosing a worst film of the year all the easier.