BlogalongaBond: Goldfinger

Way back in 2011, my favourite film critic The Incredible Suit figured out there were exactly the same amount of months preceding the release of Skyfall as there were Bond films. And thus BlogalongaBond was born, in which international film critics from around the world (hence the international bit) reviewed one Bond film a month until Skyfall dropped.

Being the top bloke that I am, I convinced my then-girlfriend (now wife) to take part in BlogalongaBond with me, seeing as how she hadn't seen a Bond film before, or couldn't remember having done so.

Her: I thought you said that was a good one.

Me: Are you kidding? That's a great Bond film. It's quintessential.

Her: I still don't see the appeal. I mean, the movie's okay but I don't get the Bond thing. Bond is a sleaze. He tells a woman that it's time for "man talk" and then spanks her on the arse as she leaves.

Me: Yes, yes, the '60s were terrible, all men are pigs, hooray for feminism, blah blah blah, but don't you think Goldfinger is another step forward for the Bond films?

Her: Sure, it's better than the other two... wait - did you just flippantly dismiss feminism?

Me: I would never do such a thing, honey buns.

Her: Ahem.

Me: Joking. Look, I agree with you totally on the sleaze thing. But why do you think Goldfinger is better than Dr No and From Russia With Love?

Her: Well, it flows much better and the script is sharper, for all its cheesiness.

Me: There are some great lines in there.

Her: Let's not get carried away....

Me: What about "Do you expect me to talk?", "No, Mr Bond I expect you to die!". Gold. No pun intended.

Gold, you say.

Her: Ha. But I must say the fight scenes are rubbish. There's no music over most of them so all you hear is scuffle, scuffle, thwack... and they fight like rubbish.

Me: I'd never noticed the lack of music, but the fights are very of-their-time, before Hollywood started paying attention to how Asian cinema filmed fight sequences. But what about the rest of the film - did you like anything else about it?

Her: Pussy Galore was great. Best acting of a Bond girl so far, and a good character... even if she did still let Bond shag her in a scene bordering on sexual assault.

Me: Yes, well, sexual assault aside, Pussy Galore is definitely a great Bond girl.

Her: And the story's pretty cool. Yeah, it's okay. But what's with all the... umm... what you movie nerds call them... green screens?

Me: Actually this is before green screens - they're using a techinique called rear projection, I believe.

Her: Whatever, movie nerd.

Me: Ahem. Yes, well, there is quite a bit of unnecessary rear-projection work in the Miami hotel scenes, but I guess they must have blown the budget on the Fort Knox set and couldn't afford to fly Connery back for re-shoots.

Not pictured: Connery in Miami.

Her: That's a lame excuse. What did you think of the film?

Me: I think it's a great Bond movie - certainly one of the best. It flows better than the previous ones, it looks better, it's iconic and has so many memorable aspects to it that set a new benchmark for Bond. There's the girl killed by being covered in gold, the laser scene with Bond strapped to the table, the larger than life villain in Goldfinger, and the tricked-out car with the cool gadgets. Oh, and Oddjob.

Her: Hmmm... I still don't understand how Oddjob could throw his hat and decapitate a marble statue and yet when he threw it at that Masterson girl in the forest, it just knocked her out. I wanted to see her get decapitated.

Me: Maybe he had his hat set to stun.

Her: You're a nerd.

Me: You know, some people have suggested that you're in fact fictitious and that I've just been having imaginary conversations with myself for these blogs.

Her: Maybe I am fictitious. How would you know?

Me: Well, if you are fictitious, then I'm a better cook than I realised. And I had no idea masturbation could be so good.

BlogalongaBond will return in Thunderball.