Cars 2

(PG) ★★

Director: John Lasseter & Brad Lewis.

Cast: (voices) Owen Wilson, Larry The Cable Guy, Michael Caine, Emily Mortimer, Eddie Izzard, John Turturro.

Cool cars never look back at the explosion.

IT'S finally happened. Pixar's mythical run of great films is over.

Adding insult to injury is that it's come with a sequel that no one really wanted except the merchandise money counters - Cars is generally regarded as a good film, but certainly the runt of the Pixar litter.

It's hard to know where to start with this movie. It's a sequel to Cars in as much as it's set in the same alternate reality (ie. a world of inhabited entirely by vehicles) and the main characters return in varying amounts.

That's where the similarity ends. Cars 2 is a James Bond homage that focuses on first film sidekick Mater (Larry The Cable Guy) as the accidental secret agent in an environmentally fuelled tale of espionage, set against the backdrop of a tri-series car race that promotes a type of bio-diesel.

Meanwhile, some of the emotional themes fly in the face of the first film, in which NASCAR upstart Lightning McQueen is forced to slow his life down and adapt to the pace of rural life so as not to upset anyone (and learn some lessons about humility). Here the message is be yourself no matter what and don't change for anybody, even if you're being an ignorant laughing stock who's upsetting people (although there are some other lessons along the way but this is the main one).

Like an automobile, Cars 2 is cold and emotionless. It's also sadly humourless, unless your idea of a hilarious joke is "Japanese toilets are different to Western toilets" or wanting to see how far the film-makers can push the "cars do wacky human things" envelope.

With no heart to it, we're left with a so-so spy movie that bizarrely stars cars, in particular Mater. A decent sidekick and comic relief character in the first film, he becomes almost painful to endure as a lead, although the film does improve as he eventually comes into his own.

As you would expect with Pixar, Cars 2 looks spectacular, and there are some interesting ideas, such as the environmental theme and elements of the espionage parody, plus the ending is strong.

But overall it feels like three different movies welded together or - worst of all - that Pixar is running out of ideas. Even the pre-film short is a return visit from the Toy Story team (albeit a welcome comeback).

However, the presence of Woody and Buzz just serves to remind you of how good Pixar sequels can be, and how disappointing this one is.

BlogalongaBond: On Her Majesty's Secret Service

Way back in 2011, my favourite film critic The Incredible Suit figured out there were exactly the same amount of months preceding the release of Skyfall as there were Bond films. And thus BlogalongaBond was born, in which international film critics from around the world (hence the international bit) reviewed one Bond film a month until Skyfall dropped.

Being the top bloke that I am, I convinced my then-girlfriend (now wife) to take part in BlogalongaBond with me, seeing as how she hadn't seen a Bond film before, or couldn't remember having done so.

Her: I want those two hours of my life back.

Me: That bad?

Her Oh yeah. So bad.

Me: Was it George? Are you just pining for Sean?

Her: No, it was nothing to do with George. He did a good job with what he had to work with. Unfortunately, what he had to work with was a steaming plate of poo. And he had to eat it.

Me: That's a horrible mental image.

Her: I know, but that movie was bad. It was a total stinking plate of poo.

Me: Oh come on, there must have been something you liked about it.

Her: That car race/chase was pretty cool. And I thought some of the fights were better. Lazenby really threw himself into those - I think you can tell he was a better fighter than Connery.

Me: Well, Lazenby would probably beat Connery in a fight, but I really disliked a lot of the early fight scenes. I thought the Bond movies had evolved past the point of speeding up footage and editing it choppily to make it look more action-packed, but obviously not.

Her: Well, either way, I've got to say - and I hate to admit this because you'll probably put it on the bloody internet - but I had no idea what the plot was and what was going on. I mean, why was Bond following Tracy around? Why was she wandering off into the water? Why did her dad want to pay Bond to marry her? And what was Bond doing for the whole film? I mean, what was the bloody point of it all?

"Has anyone found the bloody point of all this?"

Me: It did feel like the film started part-way through something and never told us explicitly what it was. As far as I can work out, Bond was keeping an eye on the suicidal/crazy Tracy in the hopes of ingratiating himself with her dad so that he would spill what he knew about Blofeld, who Bond had been trying to catch since the end of You Only Live Twice. At least I think that's what was going on.

Her: Well, I didn't get that. It was nonsensical.

Me: Yeah I don't think the script fit together very well at the start. And while that is a big problem with the film, I think the biggest problem was that it didn't feel like a Bond film. They make an effort, particularly in the rubbish opening titles, to reference the previous films, then the film-makers turn OHMSS into a quasi-reboot for the new guy. It took 90 minutes before it started to feel like a 007 adventure. I mean, the final 30 minutes are really good, but it was as if they got to the end and realised they'd forgotten they were making a Bond film and crammed all the action and Bond-ness into the final act with a ski pursuit, an avalanche, a car race, and a toboggan duel.

Her: Yeah, it's very un-Bond. I mean, what the hell was the go with that "falling in love" montage in the middle of the film? I nearly puked in my popcorn. And since when does Bond get married? That's not Bond!

Me: Agreed. His previous womanising seemed fine because he didn't have a girlfriend, but by having him fall for Tracy then go and shag a chalet of shielas just makes him a cheating bastard.

Her: Mind you, I didn't think much of Tracy... or any of Blofeld's mind-controlled hussies. Once again, the Bond girls were a disappointment.

Me: Another disappointing aspect was that they seemed to be "hazing the new guy".

Her: What do you mean?

Me: Well, I think the costume department were picking on Lazenby a lot. Connery got all these awesome outfits and he always looked great. Lazenby gets some really shabby suits, a pale blue ski suit, lots of frills, and a kilt. A freaking kilt! And the script made him act kind of gay for a bit. There's nothing wrong with being gay but that's not Bond! He's a real man's man... wait, that sounds gay too....

Her: If they were really hazing Lazenby that would have made him dress as a woman.

Me: That would have clinched it. I'm surprised they didn't.

"Well, I'm not wearing any underwear. What about you ladies?"

Her: Poor George. I liked him, but he really got dumped with a rough deal here. I would have liked to have seen him do a more traditional-style Bond film.

Me: I thought he lacked charisma. That's the one thing Bond really needs, but Lazenby didn't have it.

Her: Whatever you think about George, you have to agree at least he was better than the new Blofeld.

Me: True. Telly Savalas was way too smug and nowhere near malevolent enough.

Her: And where did his scar go? And his accent? Wait a minute - they should have recognised each other from having met during You Only Live Once... but I guess they both look different in this one... but they're supposed to be the same guy... holy crap... I think my brain is about to explode.

Me: There's a really cool fan theory that James Bond isn't so much a person but a position in MI6 - hence the different-looking Bonds over the years. And I guess Blofeld could be the same - he's just a different Number One who takes on Blofeld's name and mantle.

Her: Stop talking. My brain hurts.

Me: Okay. But did you know this is actually a really highly regarded Bond film?

Her: What? How? Why? That was rubbish - the worst one so far by a long way.

Me: I don't think it's a total waste of time, but it does feel like they've tried to get away from the over-the-top nature of the previous films and have gone too far the other way, replacing the over-the-top-ness with bland-ness.

Her: My popcorn was more interesting.

BlogalongaBond will return in Diamonds Are Forever.

X-Men: First Class

(M) ★★★★

Director: Matthew Vaughn.

Cast: James McEvoy, Michael Fassbender, Kevin Bacon, Rose Byrne, Jennifer Lawrence, January Jones.

"Wait, we can't all look into the middle distance in this band photo."

YET another superhero movie... but hold your groans, people - this one is pretty damned good.

One of the best things about this prequel to the Hugh Jackman-starring X-Men series is that it almost wipes away the bad memories of the dire X3 and the average X-Men Origins: Wolverine, returning the franchise to the glory days of its first two films.

But that is not what makes it great, it's just an added bonus. The important ingredients here are the same as in any film - a great cast, a well-paced script that doesn't treat its audience like idiots, some deeper ideas and themes, and a welcome amount of dramatic tension.

The key to First Class is the relationship between Charles Xavier/Professor X (McEvoy) and Erik Lersherr/Magneto (Fassbender) - something hinted at in the previous films but fleshed out further here.

While Professor X is hoping for a world where super-powered mutants can live in harmony with humans, Magneto is distrustful of humans and believes mutants to be superior beings. This dichotomy is displayed brilliantly thanks to the sharp screenplay and the skills of McEvoy and Fassbender, and even though we know where these characters end up, seeing how they get there is deeply satisfying.

Their meeting and subsequent falling out is played out against the backdrop of the Cuban Missile Crisis, orchestrated in this alternate reality by ex-Nazi mutant Sebastian Shaw (Bacon). As the CIA grapples with the revelation that mutants walk among us, it's up to a fledgling team of genetic aberrations to save the day and stop Shaw's plan of starting World War III between the US and the USSR.

As with any origin story, there is a lot to cover, and First Class sets up everything elegantly and swiftly. While many of the characters are merely powered cyphers (Azazel, Emma Frost, Havok, Darwin, Angel, Banshee and Riptide), the likes of Mystique, Beast, Shaw, Professor X and Magneto are well fleshed out, with the latter two being incredibly intriguing characters as the younger counterparts of what Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan would produce later.

X-Men's main appeal has always been its bevy of specifically souped-up humanoids, and the cast of characters on display here, along with their CG-aided powers, don't disappoint. But the comic book's underlying themes of prejudice, bigotry, civil rights and fear - so effectively used in the first two films - are the heart of these stories, and First Class doesn't forget that. While some comic fans will be disappointed by the major tweaking of the source material - Banshee isn't Irish, Mystique's backstory is altered, Moira McTaggart isn't Scottish, the original X-Men line-up differs dramatically - the best suggestion is for you to check your inner Comic Book Guy at the door and revel in the way this plays into the existing X-Men movie universe.

There are flaws - Jones' acting is sub-par, there's a weirdly edited training montage, and a few cases of bad-action-movie-style dialogue, but for the most part this is pacy, punchy, smart and filled with memorable moments - including a great two-word cameo from a much-loved mutant. First Class passes with flying colours.

BlogalongaBond: You Only Live Twice

Way back in 2011, my favourite film critic The Incredible Suit figured out there were exactly the same amount of months preceding the release of Skyfall as there were Bond films. And thus BlogalongaBond was born, in which international film critics from around the world (hence the international bit) reviewed one Bond film a month until Skyfall dropped.

Being the top bloke that I am, I convinced my then-girlfriend (now wife) to take part in BlogalongaBond with me, seeing as how she hadn't seen a Bond film before, or couldn't remember having done so.

Me: I actually hadn't seen that one before.

Her: I thought you'd seen them all.

Me: A couple may have slipped by me during my teenage years... those were crazy times.

Her: Didn't you live on a farm as a teenager and mostly sit in your room and listen to Nirvana?

Me: Crazy times....

Her: Anyway, did you like You Only Live Twice?

Me: Absolutely. I think it's up there with Thunderball and Goldfinger as being one of the best Bond films. It's got a good script in particular, written by Roald Dahl, don't you know?

Her: Yes, I knew that.

Me: Really?

Her: It was in the opening credits.

Me: Oh yeah. Were you intrigued that the guy who wrote Charlie & The Chocolate Factory wrote a Bond film?

Her: I guess... I think I did a "hmmm... interesting" nod.

Me: Ok... so, did you like You Only Live Twice?

Her: Yeah. Absolutely. What you said.

Me: What did you like about it?

Her: Well, I liked the helicopter battle and the bit where the helicopter picked up the car with a magnet and Little Nellie.

Me: They're all things to do with helicopters.

Her: Oh, and I liked the ninjas.

Me: You liked the ninjas and the helicopters? What are you - a 10-year-old boy?

Ninja attack!

Her: Ok, ok. But those bits were awesome - when the ninjas suddenly materialised on the volcano, it was a cool moment.

Me: And I have to agree the helicopter battle was quite spectacular, a few dodgy shots aside and the fact Connery looked kind of stupid with his crash helmet and his little yellow autogyro.

Her: Because a crash helmet's going to save your life when that thing falls out of the sky.

Me: True. He didn't seem to have a parachute on either.

Her: Speaking of parachutes, is it just me or was Helga's method for attempting to kill Bond incredibly stupid?

Me: Yeah, that section of the film didn't work. Helga captures Bond and threatens to peel his face off, then Bond works the mojo and she tricks him into getting on a plane with her before trapping him in the plane and parachuting out as it crashes.

Her: Trapping him with a piece of four by two, no less.

Me: Indeed. Not the most efficient way of killing a super-spy.

Her: Another thing that bugged me was the Bond girls. They were... kind of unneccessary.

Me: Obviously there has to be a love interest...

Her: ... you mean a "lust" interest...

Me: ... so the Bond girls are necessary to an extent. And Aki did save Bond's life about three times. But, agreed, Helga was pretty useless. And I don't think it was necessary for 007 to actually marry Kissy.

Her: I did like that wedding scene though. I always enjoy the culture-ish bits in the Bond movies.

A "culture-ish bit" in You Only Live Twice.

Me: What? Sumos raising their legs and showing off their notchas wasn't culture-ish enough for you?

Her: I was trying to block that from my memory. Thanks a lot.

Me: Sorry. Anyway... how about the rest of the positives? I think the script is really good - a few plot-holes aside - and the set design is fantastic. The Osato office, Blofeld's lair, the volcano rocket-launch pad, Tiger Tanaka's home... it all looked amazing.

Her: Agreed. The direction was pretty good too, as was the cinematography.

Me: I thought I was the film reviewer - aren't I supposed to say those things?

Her: Oh... sorry. Would you like to mention something movie snobbish, say about the score or something?

Me: Oh yeah. I'm not much of a fan of the theme song but I liked the bit of the soundtrack in the final rocket pre-launch sequence... it was in a really cool Propellerheads song.

Her: That didn't sound movie snobbish.

Me: Sorry. How about "the pacing of the film was excellent, particularly the opening act, and the dialogue really sizzled in places, giving the film a comedic edge that pushed it above the previous installments"?

Her: That's much better. There were some good lines... amid the groan-worthy ones. I hope it doesn't get any cheesier though.

Me: Just what until Roger Moore takes over.

Her: Oh dear. What's the next guy like?

Me: To be honest, I haven't seen all of On Her Majesty's Secret Service so I can't fully appraise George Lazenby's performance. But he's an Australian, so that's something.

Her: I've got to say I'm a bit nervous about a Bond film without Connery. But it's ok - I'm kind of hoping there's a crap one soon so these blogs will get more interesting.

PS. Can you believe we made it all the way through without mentioning how unconvincing Sean Connery is as a Japanese man?

BlogalongaBond will return in On Her Majesty's Secret Service.

Fast Five

(M) ★★★½

Director: Justin Lin.

Cast: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster, Dwayne Johnson, Tyrese Gibson, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, Sung Kang, Gal Gadot, Joaquim de Almeida.

The argument about who used the last of the baby oil spilled out into the street.

THERE'S a formula to the Fast & Furious series: hot cars, hot women and... well... that's about it.

The first film succeeded because it felt fresh with its cops-versus-street-racers set-up, but interest waned until Diesel returned to re-fuel the tank for the fourth installment.

Now we have F&F5, but before you yawn, hear this: it may well be the best one of the series so far.

It picks up where F&F4 left off, with ex-cop Brian O'Conner (Walker) and his buddies freeing Dominic Toretto (Diesel) from a prison bus and going on the lam to Rio de Janiero.

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian, Dom and Dom's sister Mia take a job stealing cars from a train, which lands them in the crosshairs of Brazilian crimelord Reyes (Joaquim de Almeida) as well as some American agents (led by Dwayne "No Longer The Rock" Johnson).

Where F&F5 gets interesting is when it effectively becomes an Oceans film, embracing the heist genre to excellent effect. By bringing together a who's who of the previous four films, facing them off against two sets of antagonists, and throwing in a bank job unlike any you've ever seen before, the film-makers have found a way to re-inflate the series' tyres while giving it a new paint job at the same time.

In taking a new tack (which was starting to happen in the previous film), the F&F team have also broadened the appeal of the series. No longer just an extended piece of car porn for rev-heads, the movies are becoming broader action capers that finally put the characters and their situation ahead of the shiny automobiles.

Don't go looking for anything particularly deep beneath the sleek exterior though. A few moments saluting the importance of family - whether you're brought together by blood or a thirst for crime - are the only relief from the action, which is wall-to-wall.

But that's what you go to a film like this for - the foot-to-the-floor adrenaline - and that's why this succeeds. The final heist is a ripper, the opening car-vs-train set-piece is very cool, and the favelas of Rio once again prove to be the perfect setting for some running and gunning.

It's big, loud, dumb, over-the-top and mostly substanceless. But it works, perhaps better than ever before.

Thor

(M) ★★★★

Director: Kenneth Branagh.

Cast: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Stellan Skarsgard, Idris Elba, Kat Dennings, Anthony Hopkins.

Thor's mashed potato sculpture left a lot to be desired.

A SIGH of relief. That's what you'll hear from many Marvel movie fans after they see Thor.

Expectations were high, yet there was this niggling fear among some - how will the film-makers reconcile a Norse god/superhero from another planet/plane with the more realistic approach of the Iron Man movies and The Incredible Hulk?

So that sigh is because they found a way. And not just any way. Thor is exciting, entertaining and enjoyable, plus it puts the Marvel movie series back on track after the miss-step of Iron Man 2, and edges us ever closer to the Biggest Comic Book Movie Event ever, The Avengers (due next year).

For those not brushed-up on their Norse mythology or their Marvel comics, Thor (Hemsworth) is the son of Odin (Hopkins) and the brother of Loki (Hiddleston). He wields a big hammer called Mjolnir, loves smashing Frost Giants, and he can fly.

But unfortunately, he's also brash and cocky (you would be too), and after re-sparking a war with the Frost Giants through his own arrogance, Thor is banished from his home in Asgard, stripped of his powers and dumped on Earth.

There he meets a team of scientists (Portman, Skarsgard and Dennings) and takes a lesson in being human as he battles a force that is trying to keep him from returning home.

Thor's secret weapon is its sense of humour, plus the surprise pick of Branagh as director. Best known for his love of Shakespeare and fopping about hilariously in one of the Harry Potter movies, Branagh proves an ideal choice to helm this. There is something definitely Bard-like in Thor's plot machinations, with its familial and regal twists and its themes of humility, jealousy, and proving one's worth.

It's not without its flaws, of course. There are probably too many characters - aside from Thor's immediate family, there are also his warrior off-siders and a gatekeeper, plus the Earth-bound trio of scientists and SHIELD's Agent Coulson (Marvel series regular Clark Gregg) - and few get developed as much as you'd like, particularly Portman's Jane, but the cast does a great job with what they've got, which is doing a lot with a little.

Strangely, some of the special effects are rubbish. In this day and age, with this kind of budget, that shouldn't happen. Also, Branagh goes crazy with the lens flares - an ever-increasing bad habit, seen most prominently in Michael Bay movies and the recent Star Trek. Sure, a couple are okay, but when directors go over the top with them they just become distracting.

But there is a lot to like here, especially Hemsworth. He is excellent as the hammer-wielding god of thunder, making one of Marvel's more far-fetched characters eminently believable, and is ably met by Hiddleston as his brother Loki.

And lens flares aside, you can't help but feel Branagh has done a superb job at grounding its more fantastical moments, and ensuring nothing feels too silly or over-the-top.

Fans rejoice. Not only do you get a great movie here, but there is also a neat cameo and a very revealing post-credits scene that points towards The Avengers. Bring on Captain America in July.

BlogalongaBond: Thunderball

Way back in 2011, my favourite film critic The Incredible Suit figured out there were exactly the same amount of months preceding the release of Skyfall as there were Bond films. And thus BlogalongaBond was born, in which international film critics from around the world (hence the international bit) reviewed one Bond film a month until Skyfall dropped.

Being the top bloke that I am, I convinced my then-girlfriend (now wife) to take part in BlogalongaBond with me, seeing as how she hadn't seen a Bond film before, or couldn't remember having done so.

Her: Well, that was actually a good one. I enjoyed that.

Me: And yet you fell asleep halfway through it last week and we had to try again.

Her: I got tired. Sorry.

Me: That's ok. I'm just glad you actually liked it. Maybe this whole James Bond thing is growing on you.

Her: Maybe - let's not get carried away. But yes, Thunderball is, in my opinion, the first really good one.

Me: Even better than Goldfinger?

Her: Yeah. I mean, that underwater battle at the end is great. I've never seen anything like that before.

The 1965 synchronised swimming finals were a bloodbath.

Me: Indeed. And how cool is Bond in that sequence, just cruising through the fight, stabbing a guy here, cutting off a dude's oxygen there. It's brilliant - we get to see 007 in a whole new scenario.

Her: Plus I think the plot in this one is great. None of this "irradiating the world's gold" nonsense - just some good old-fashioned nuke stealing.

Me: I like the way the plot sort of rolls along. Bond happens into it all by chance really, and then detectivates his way closer and closer to the nuclear missiles.

Her: "Detectivates" isn't a real word.

Me: So what? Neither's "Thunderball".

Her: Whatever.

Me: Did you like the Bond girls?

Her: Yeah. The red-headed assassin chick (Volpe) is great because she seems like the first real equal to Bond, even more so than Pussy Galore. And Domino was a good character. But that Paula chick - she was useless. Why was she even in the film? Her character could have been cut and it wouldn't have made any difference.

"Umm ... what the fuck are you doing, James?"

Me: True. Although I found Felix Leiter mostly useless. Although he often is in the Bond films, except to pop up conveniently and save 007's arse.

Her: Do you think this is a good Bond film?

Me: Absolutely. It's certainly on a par with Goldfinger and I rate that one highly. The formula is set, Connery's on a roll, and they haven't gone totally berserk with trying to up the ante on the previous films.

Her: Except for the rocket pack?

Me: What about it? Those things were real.

Her: Oh come on. That bit was naff.

Me: Whatever.

Her: Well, what did you like about the film... other than the stupid rocket pack?

Me: Thunderball has my favourite line of any Bond film: "Do you mind if my friend just sits this one out? She's just dead.". That's awesome.

Her: What else?

Me: The aforementioned underwater battle is very cool. And the SPECTRE meeting is so iconic, especially with the explosive chairs. Tom Jones does a great job with John Barry's hastily written theme song - that last note is a killer. And Largo is an excellent villain - you can't go past a villain with an eye patch. But the beauty of his role in the film is similar to Goldfinger's. In both films, they get to share a lot of time on screen with Bond, sussing each other out while remaining gentlemanly and polite. It creates great tension and fleshes out the villains a bit more, so they're not just cardboard-cut-out bad guys.

Her: And what didn't you like?

Me: That final bit on the out-of-control boat... that hasn't aged well, with its shoddy rear projection and horribly sped-up footage. But I can't think of much not to like about Thunderball.

Her: Well, I'm glad we watched it.

Me: And I'm glad you stayed awake.

BlogalongaBond will return in You Only Live Twice.