BlogalongaBond: The Spy Who Loved Me

Way back in 2011, my favourite film critic The Incredible Suit figured out there were exactly the same amount of months preceding the release of Skyfall as there were Bond films. And thus BlogalongaBond was born, in which international film critics from around the world (hence the international bit) reviewed one Bond film a month until Skyfall dropped.

Being the top bloke that I am, I convinced my then-girlfriend (now wife) to take part in BlogalongaBond with me, seeing as how she hadn't seen a Bond film before, or couldn't remember having done so.

Her: Well, that was terrible.

Me: Oh no - is the Roger Moore love affair over?

Her: No, he's still all right. But the movie was terrible.

Me: Really? I thought it was quite good... at least as good as The Man With The Golden Gun.

Her: Wow. I'm surprised to hear that.

Me: I'm equally surprised by your response. This is actually considered one of the best of the Moore years. And we all know how you feel about him....

Her: I can't see how it's highly regarded. It was just so stupid in places. I mean, look at Jaws. How dumb is this guy? He's trying to kill Bond and Triple X and all he decides to do is start tearing the panels off their truck. And whenever he goes to bite someone with his stupid metal teeth, he takes forever, like he's in slow motion. Jaws is a rubbish henchman.

"Cuddles!"

Me: Are you serious? Jaws is the first henchman that represents a proper threat to Bond since Red Grant in From Russia With Love - no hat-throwing, no mechanical arms, no acrobatic hot chicks with stupid names. Just a big powerful colossus who looks like he could squash 007 in one hand then bite his head off with his metal teeth.

Her: Yeah, a big powerful colossus with the IQ of wet towel. He doesn't pose a proper threat. The guy with the hat was more formidable. The guy with the mechanical arm was more imposing. The acrobatic hot chicks were... well, they were rubbish. And Jaws is equally rubbish.

Me: But he wrestled a shark! And then bit it to death! A freakin' shark!

Her: Whatever. Rubbish.

Me: Well, he's in the next one, so... ah... enjoy that.

Her: Oh great.

Me: Was there anything you liked about The Spy Who Loved Me?

Her: There were four good things, and only four.

Me: Ok....

Her: Number one - the theme song was really good.

Me: Indeed. Nobody Does It Better is one of the best.

Her: Number two - Triple X is the hottest Bond girl so far.

Me: Really? She certainly has the coolest codename, but I don't know if Barbara Bach is hotter than Ursula Andress or Jane Seymour or Britt Ekland. I mean, she's hot, don't get me wrong, but is she the hottest?

Her: Yes. And she's got the best wardrobe. That dress she wears in Egypt is amazing.

Me: That's all well and good, but her acting is terrible.

Her: Yeah, but who cares when you look that good in a great dress?

"Out of the way, Bond, we can't see the dress."

Me: If you say so. What's the third thing?

Her: Number three - the set design was pretty good. Stromberg's lair looked pretty cool and inside the supertanker was good.

Me: Agreed.

Her: And number four - the car that turned into a submarine? Awesome.

Me: Somehow I found that more believable than the car plane.

Her: But other than that, the movie was crap. Bad dialogue, bad story, Jaws, bad rear projection in the opening chase sequence... just bad.

Me: Well, I thought it was good. Even though there was a sense of deja vu with a lot of elements, I don't think the series has gotten too tired yet. Sure, the plot and villain are similar to You Only Live Twice and the idea of working and sleeping with the enemy has been done a fair bit and instead of a car-plane we got a car-sub, etc, etc... but overall I think it hangs together well. The film flows nicely, there are some great stunts such as the opening parachute escape and the car-vs-helicopter firefight, plus the locations are cool, Moore's still doing a bang-up job, and, although things are getting a bit cheesier, the campiness is generally kept in check. Plus, despite what you may say, I believe Jaws brings a real sense of danger. All in all, it's a solid outing.

Her: Well, I think that one's down near the bottom of the pile and they better start improving from here or else I don't think I can get through another 12 films.

Me: The bad news is that the next one is considered the nadir of the series.

Her: And it's got Jaws in it? How about we give it a miss and just tell The Incredible Suit that we watched it?

BlogalongaBond will return in Moonraker.

The Cup

(PG) ★★

Director: Simon Wincer.

Cast: Stephen Curry, Brendan Gleeson, Daniel MacPherson, Tom Burlinson, Shaun Micallef, Colleen Hewett, Martin Sacks.

"Calm down, Olly - we're only just leaving the mounting yard."

ON paper, The Cup seems like a sure bet.

Wincer has past form with a Melbourne Cup movie - his 1983 film Phar Lap is an Australian classic and also starred Burlinson - and the emotional story at the heart of this horse-racing drama seems prime for the big screen treatment.

But thanks to an absolutely atrocious script and some truly dire performances, The Cup barely gets out of the starting gate. Only the the real life tragedy and the spectacle of The Race That Stops The Nation drag this film across the finish line.

The Cup is the tale of Damien Oliver (Curry), who rode Media Puzzle to glory in the memorable 2002 Melbourne Cup just one week after the tragic death of his brother Jason (MacPherson) in a training accident.

Sadly the first hour of the film, which leads up to Jason's horrific death, is largely unengaging. It's obviously intending to show the close bond shared by Damien and Jason - something achieved in the first 10 minutes - but it goes well beyond that and deep into tedium. They go to a footy game. Characters watch TV. There are endless montages of horse training with little context. The Cup's first hour commits that most grievous of movie crimes - it's boring.

Things pick up once the accident takes place, but the film doesn't maintain it's momentum thanks to an agonising build up to the big race, which is the only other highlight. Equally frustrating is a poorly used subplot about the Bali bombings and an over-reliance on media soundbytes to tell us what's going on... when we already know what's going on.

While the pacing is slower than a Shetland pony stopping for a rest, it's the script that is the real problem. The dialogue sounds like it was written by someone who has heard all about conversations but never taken part in one. And when the script has a point to be made, it makes it again and again and again to the point of frustration. Yes, we get that Damien Oliver's father also died in a racing accident - it's an important part of the story - but the film feels it needs to remind us of this fact about 10 times.

The dodgy script and its tin-ear dialogue don't help the cast. Gleeson, playing Irish trainer Dermot Weld, is the only one to rise above it and give a decent performance - further evidence of him being one of the most under-rated actors going around.

Sacks and Hewett are also admirable given they have little to work with, but Curry struggles, mostly because he cops the most lines and is further hindered by a screenplay that doesn't develop his character at all. The Cup gives us little idea about who Oliver is as a person or what drives him.

Worse though is MacPherson, whose terrifyingly bad performance threatens to drag the whole film down with it. And it pains me to say this about one of my comedic heroes, but Micallef (as trainer Lee Freedman) is almost as terrible. Even the late great Bill Hunter, in his last role, struggles with the dialogue as Bart Cummings.

The only thing saving this from a one-star review is that there is a couple of big-hearted flashes of emotion amid the mawkish melodrama and sub-soapie script. Also there will probably be an appreciative audience for this film - one that doesn't care about things like story, dialogue and acting but just likes watching the horsies run around.

But personally, I wouldn't back this donkey.